“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.”
This quote can’t describe any better my thoughts and point of view about “Life”.
All my life I’ve been feeling like I don’t fit and where I belong, it’s not where I meant to be. How can I explain feeling like an “Alien” being in the place you supposed to call Home?
Every single day, since I can recall, there has always being something bothering me. Is it the place? Is it the people? No. It’s just the fact of being Human. Hello! I’m in the middle of Worst Human History Project. Every day there’s a World Wide Tragedy. World War Three is about to start. People killing each other by hundreds. Children killing children. People not having even interest or respect towards Mother Nature watching her dying every day. People carrying about nothing but themselves watching others dying of hunger. Entire countries, cities and even families being segregated by Race and Language.Our only interest? Money, Power or Fame. For real those three things are the true reasons that made “Humanity” wake up every single day? Oh, come on! Where the hell am I living?I drop out of college 3 years ago. And since then, I’ve been working and letting days passed me by as much as possible. Yeah. Maybe I will never get a well life and all the comforts of the world, but I don’t need them. I realized I’m happy with so less that I’m not even thinking in asking for more. I’ve always being a conforming person and I’m glad that haven’t changed with the years. But I’m satisfied with my way of living right now, because who wants to live a long life in this Crappy Society we’re living? No. I simply can’t. That’s why I live and always will, one day at a time. No plans. Just today. Because I’m always thinking, Why will I waste my time now, sacrificing myself for a future that is not even sure I will have or even be able to enjoy, because there’s others trying to destroy it for their needs? Because guys, come on, we have to open our eyes. We let the Mogul and Supreme Industries control our entire life, passed and future. Our life does not belong to us anymore. We allow others to take control of our own existence. And by my point of view, right here right now, is our own fault. We ourselves have to bear that sin, from the time we are born until the frail day of our departure to some other destination.
Since the past couple of months, I’ve been put in this kind of a situation that if I don’t have a job, I can’t be under my roof .
My parents, my grandma, my brother, every member of the family asking: “When are you going to get a job?” It got to a point that I prefered to be hungry and tired than being home with that people. They said “I miss you. Come home. Spend time with your family and stop being such a good person with everyone else except us”.
But when I got home, I ask myself: “Where’s that love? Where’s that interest they put on the phone? What happened to that part? They really missing me. I can’t even put a feet on my front door stairs that they’re asking “When?” And I realize that’s why they want me here. Just to take care and be sure to have another person getting money to the house. That’s why they don’t let me go, for bad or for good. Then after all the job conversation, they start with “Why?” “Why are you not home? Why you don’t get your life straight? Why are you so selfish and always think about YOU?” Then, other type of stupid questions like “Are you high? Are you listening? Do you hate us?” I just sat on the sofa, silent, eating chips.
I looked at him in the eyes and not even me, knows the answer for that last one question. All I said was “I don’t like to explain every single detail of my life to you.” And on his already pissedoff mind he thought I said “Why should I have to explain every single detail of my life to you?” He started to scream and I just sat there. Letting him talk all the crap that has nothing to do with the subject at that moment, because as usual, he doesn’t listen and got all wrong. Me, there, sitting on the sofa. Until he last said “Anything to say?”
My mind was running like Nascar while I just was starting at one chip in my hand, and thinking Do I answer or do I just stay quiet? There was a few seconds, I just ate my chip. Then the screaming continues. “You have to be crazy.You don’t care about us. You want to live like this? Then this is the life you’re gonna get. Not living the house. Not even to get a job. So if you want to work, you better be thinking how you gonna do it without leaving this house. And don’t you dare to leave your room while I’m here, because I don’t want to see your face”.And there comes the reason of my story. Today words came to me not once, but twice: “The fact that I’m silent, doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say.”
-Jonathan Carroll
The reason why I don’t even answer to you it’s simple. You always take it for a lie, excuses, stupid stuff, just a tantrum, being irresponsible just because, I’m to selfish, I’m crazy. But can you please learn that all you have to do is, do the right questions. “Why it’s been so difficult for you to keep above the water? Why you’re interests in the things you once loved, isn’t there anymore? Why so sad? How can I help you with this life I, myself, gave to you?” But you don’t realize that. But I still here, waiting for the day you at least ask me “Baby Girl, What you think about the World?” That day, you’ll be back to be my father. The one I once loved and the one I missed a hug from.
